Just in time for the Super Bowl, and we do mean just in time: the Petrotech Odor Eliminator "for those stinky Super Bowl parties." Just one quick spray and the all-natural, unscented Eliminator will work wonders like no other product, at least that's what its publicity people say.

And if you think about it, what could be better for something as profoundly pungent as Super Bowl week (and often the game itself) than a spray that makes bad smells disappear faster than the Buffalo Bills?

In fact, a squadron of crop-dusting planes loaded with the Eliminator should have flown over Houston days ago, preferably before they held an Olympic-style opening ceremony that included former U.S. president George Bush handling the official National Football League game ball for Super Bowl XXXVIII as if it were the Hope diamond while Yanni piped away in the background.

Any time Bush and Yanni are involved, you need at least one quick spray to clear the air.

Super Bowl week has seldom been known for its decency and decorum, but this year's whiffs of wretched excess have been noticeably stronger. Virtually everything has taken a flying leap over the top, particularly media day, which has become fully foul scented.

This week, the New England Patriots and Carolina Panthers met with more than 3,000 scribes and microphone jockeys and the results were enough to make an onion cry. First up was Pick Boy, a masked man in tights wearing a green-and-orange cape, who fluttered about saying he was "the world's greatest picking super hero." We hope he meant picking as in choosing tomorrow's winner and not ..... well, let's not go there.

Pick Boy was eventually upstaged by a 13-year-old lad carrying a microphone who asked Carolina offensive lineman Todd Steussie to spell the name of New England coach Bill Belichick. Steussie stammered, called a timeout, played an extra "e" instead of an "i" and finally gave up. Fortunately for Steussie, no one asked him to spell his own name.

After Pick Boy and his spelling bee sidekick came the cousin of ABC late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, who wore a Panthers jersey and pretended to be kicker John Kasay. The phony kicker conducted several interviews, and then, in true Super Bowl fashion, sort of apologized by saying he gave such outrageous answers the media should have figured out he was a fraud.

Then there was this three-way exchange between Ross the Intern (from NBC's The Tonight Show, as if he regularly covers the NFL), Paul Zimmerman from Sports Illustrated and New England safety Rodney Harrison.

Ross to Harrison: "What's the wildest place you and your wife ever made whoopee?"

Harrison: "What did you say?"

Zimmerman to Ross: "Get the hell out of here."

Ross to Zimmerman: "What are you, the kicker?"

Zimmerman to Ross: "Yeah, I'll kick your [expletive]."

We're not even going to mention how one player was asked, "Viagra or Levitra?" and then chose Viagra over the NFL-sponsored Levitra.

But worse than all of that was the shameless Super Bowl week buildup for the inaugural Lingerie Bowl between Team Euphoria and Team Dream. These would be lingerie-clad women in elbow and kneepads, seven a side, playing a 20-minute game on a 70-yard field for $19.95 on pay per view.

Clearly, the Lingerie Bowl is not your average Bud Bowl. For starters, the Bud Bowl players (beer bottles with little helmets stuck on them) could actually play. So could Spuds MacKenzie, the dog. The Lingerie Bowl players, who will perform during the Super Bowl halftime but not at Houston's Reliant Stadium, had trouble catching even the softest of lobs during a recent pregame promotion.

Will the Lingerie Bowl be played under full-contact, bump-and-run rules? Yes, it will. Will there be a winner? According to Pick Boy, the world's greatest picking super hero, you'd be wise to take Team Dream and the under.

Which brings us back to the point of this column and the need to eliminate the Super Bowl's nastiest nose-holding bits. While it would be easy to fold our oxygen tents and say "What's the point? The Super Bowl will always attract the kooks and lingerie clad," we need to take a stand. We need to ensure that never again will we be exposed to the likes of the Atlanta Falcons' Dirty Bird dance, a halftime act featuring Michael Jackson — and there's still no official reason why this happened — Kathie Lee Gifford singing the U.S. anthem.

With the Petrotech Odor Eliminator, we now have a chemical-free way to help the world breathe easier for one week and four quarters of football. As for George Bush and Yanni, another spray would never hurt.

Source : http://www.globeandmail.com